New Company Policy for Year 2008

From: Chipmunks

New Company Policy

To all Employees:

Effective January 2008

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holidays

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year of holidays. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employee involvement attend the arrangements.

In rare cases where the employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Restroom Policy

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minutes limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company's notice board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they will look healthy.
2. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a 'Slim-Fast'.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience; therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards,
HR Department